


Tea Parties with Swamp Witches

by Girls-like-flowers (rem71090)



Series: Tusk Love Literary Appreciation Society [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: AU literally the second episode 94 happens, Author continues making Jester sad to deal with her own tenuous mental health, Author is NOT interested in learning how magic works, Because Jester never completes a thought, For like 24 hours this is not AU, Gen, No beta because my beta is not caught up which is a crime, Sorry!, There are a lot of run on sentences, author does not know how magic works, i don't make the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22579624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rem71090/pseuds/Girls-like-flowers
Summary: Modify memory did not work for as long as Jester might have hoped, but maybe Isharnai likes variety in her diet?Note: This is loosely connected to part one of the series but can be read alone!
Series: Tusk Love Literary Appreciation Society [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624765
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Tea Parties with Swamp Witches

The cloaks for Traveler-con are going to be so cute! Jester tries to cut the fabric so that everyone can have a cloak that fits – one for Caduceus that looks so pretty against his pink and one for Nott even though Nott likes having her body back so much that she isn’t covering up at all. Nott looks amazing! She looked amazing before too, and it’s a real shame that her teeth are back to being boring and flat and not at all able to tear things open because that was really cool. But knives are cool too so that’s okay.

Maybe there should be paint on the cloaks! There are paints for fabric that Molly had told her about, and the paint store would probably have some and they would be amazing. The Traveler is so handsome and cool, and all of his followers should also be handsome and cool so the cloaks are important. Caleb and Fjord are both so good at sewing though, and they both said they would help so maybe it is better to have them sew something on the back instead of painting.

Maybe Fjord would want a Captain Tusktooth sign on his, with bigger tusks because his are growing out and have reached a very respectable length and his very nice smile looks a little dangerous now and that makes it even better. Fjord could probably use his tusks to open things like Nott used to! He’ll probably blush if she asks, he’s so shy! The Wildmother wouldn’t mind if Fjord and Caduceus wore a Traveler-con cloak, because they are definitely friends now so that’s okay.

Jester is going to ask Yasha if painting or sewing would be better on the cloaks. Maybe Yasha and Caduceus will play their instruments while Jester or Caleb and Fjord work on the cloaks. If they sew Jester can dance while Caleb and Fjord work on the cloaks, and that would be so fun! Beau would dance with her, and Nott might even join in, but she’d probably have to put on some clothing that covers her a little more because Caleb and Fjord are being such babies! Nott had come down in a shirt like Beau’s, soft stomach and smooth skin visible, and they had both blushed so hard. It was really funny, but they need to pay attention if they are working on cloaks for the Traveler!

“Little blue thing, you didn’t expect that would work forever did you? I do not take kindly to being robbed of my meal.” Isharnai’s voice is even creepier when it is just inside Jester’s head, and she has to take a few gulps before she can swallow down the dread rising.

“Oh no! I didn’t mean to make you hungry, do you need more cupcakes? We aren’t up north right now so I can’t find any of the moss cupcakes, but we have all sorts of good things here! Do you like cinnamon? You shouldn’t eat Nott, anyway, because she is very nice!” Jester has definitely said more words and the response to Isharnai would have cut off, but Fjord isn’t here to help her count her words and she doesn’t know how much of that went through. She casts sending herself, more careful.

“Sorry! Being hungry is bad, but please don’t curse Nott again. You can snack on me a little if you want until you find something!” Jester is happy right now, she’s making cloaks for her best friends other friends and she is going to hang out with the rest of her friends, and she is going to make new friends soon. She’s happy now, and that won’t help Isharnai, who is hungry because she eats new misery and its probably not her fault, just like it isn’t Jester’s fault that she eats pastries, so Jester takes a second and sidesteps all of the amazing things in the world that she is thinking about.

Jester turns, in her mind, and falls into the hole that has been there since they met Isharnai. She thinks about Caleb talking about his past, about how small he had seemed. About how lonely and pained he looked, and how he didn’t smile back at her for days. She thinks about promising him that she would never ever modify someone’s memory.

She thinks about doing it anyway.

Caleb had asked her about the worst thing she had ever done, and now she has a new worst thing. She doesn’t know how to tell him.

He will probably never smile at her again.

The misery crashes through her like a wave, and she lets it. Jester takes a second to let herself feel sick and miserable about her choices, and then she thinks about Nott. Nott, who is no longer clinging to shadows like friends. Nott, whose blunt teeth have been flashing in smiles, and whose snarls now look adorable. She clings to Beau’s relief and Fjord’s laugh, Yasha’s careful kindness and Caduceus’s soft wisdom. The misery retreats as quickly as it had come.

Her head is silent for a long time, long enough that it is definitely not a response to her spell when Isharanai responds. “Hmm. You are a strange creature and it has been a long time since I have been surprised. I will think on this.”

What did that mean? What’s going to happen? Is Jester supposed to respond? Probably she should respond just to be polite. Mama always says you should make people feel like you have listened to them, so she should definitely tell her that she was listening, right? She pauses for a second, to see if the Traveler has been paying attention and to see if there is anything that he wants her to say, but when he continues to not appear, she answers on her own. “Okay! Bye! I hope we talk soon! I am going to Traveler-con, you should scry and see, it’ll be fun and awesome!”

Even Mama could have nothing to say about that. Jester had been nice, she’d even invited Isharnai on a fun trip, so that she would know her company is valued. It’s so hard to have to be an adult on her own, and as fun as Traveler-con is definitely going to be Jester wants it to be over, so the Traveler can stop being so busy and come back. He thinks she doesn’t need him anymore, because she has everyone else, but he is her best friend in the whole world, and she misses him.

When some time passes and Isharnai doesn’t respond Jester goes to find Caleb. He is, predictably, reading. It looks like he’s got a new Shorthalt book, which is going to be so good to read on the boat! Caleb is so thoughtful, and he always says such interesting things about the books they read together. Jester would never have realized how sometimes characters can mean things other than what they say. It’s also fun to watch him stammer when Yasha points out how bodies probably do not bend in the ways described by the books, at least not without magical intervention. Not that Shorthalt makes that mistake very often – but lots of the other books do.

“Caleb! I have a question, well, a favor, no, a question!”

Caleb puts the book down and watches her with careful eyes. The group has been watching her with a lot of careful eyes, because they want to know what she gave up to help Nott. She’s going to tell them, she really is, right now they are so worried, and she doesn’t deserve that, she did a bad thing. She can’t tell if Isharnai’s cackled ‘ _delicious’_ is real or if it’s just her imagination.

“I know you can make us go places with magic, and I was wondering if you could make things that aren’t people teleport? Do you need a magic circle with that?”

“I learned how to do that, ja. I thought we might need to send a beacon somewhere. Do you have something to send?”

“Not right now, but soon! Do you think you would be able to send something for me later though? Does it make you like super tired?”

Caleb waits before he answers, Caleb is always so careful with his words, which is probably good because Caleb’s words do more than most people’s. Sometimes, though, she wishes he would just say what he thinks – it seems like he keeps things inside that are hurting him. How is Jester supposed to use her totally awesome magic and self to heal him if he won’t tell her where it hurts. “Ja, it makes me a little tired, but I could do something for you tonight if you need. Who do you want to send something to?”

They are in Nicodranas, with Nott’s family and Jester’s Mama and almost anyone she would need to send something to is here. Not Kiri, who Jester should make a package for, maybe a knife? Kiri is probably old enough for a knife now.

“Oh, I need to send something to Isharnai but I have to get it first!” Other than Caduceus, Caleb is the hardest to ruffle of her friends, but he looks a little ruffled right now. Before he can respond, and its so good that he takes a while to think of what to say actually, Jester exits his room, shouting over her shoulder, “okay, thanks! Bye! I’ll see you soon!”

There is a baker in Nicodranas, who makes buttery pastries with cinnamon and pistachios, topped with honey that is infused with rose. Bluud used to get them for Jester when Mama had to work for a long time, and she’d shared them with the Traveler when he came. He used to say it was why she was his favorite, and he always showed up to talk when she had them, maybe he just doesn’t like ice cream as much. Jester isn’t sure exactly where the baker is, per se. She’s never been there herself, but she knows the general direction from watching Bluud walk back with the basket full of treats, and she’s very smart so she’ll find it.

And she does. She finds three other bakers first, and they are all good, even if none of them have fun cupcake flavors. One of them does have cupcakes that sparkle, and Jester buys a dozen of those. She tries one while she is walking around, and all cupcakes are good cupcakes but this one is really only okay, which is disappointing. She can’t share these with anyone else! What if they think Jester thinks these are good?

Resigned to eating the full dozen herself, along with the crispy cookies she’d picked up at the first baker and the glistening tart from the second, Jester buys all of the honey-soaked croissants left. She is going to be so full. It’s good that Mama always has milk, because she is probably going to be very thirsty after dinner. Because she is very smart and considerate Jester also spends a gold buying a magic napkin. Isharnai is super powerful and could probably clean it up herself, but it’s nice to anticipate problems, and while having your hands covered in honey isn’t a _problem_ exactly, some people don’t like being sticky. Isharnai’s cottage had a lot of things that probably shouldn’t get sticky.

Jester has been trying to think of little things ever since it was pointed out that sometimes people might not want her voice in their head. She is doing so good at it!

It has to be lonely being Isharnai. Sure, she feeds on misery, and that probably makes dinner parties not very fun, but Jester has been alone before. And she wasn’t even really alone, she had her Mama and the Traveler and Bluud. Isharnai doesn’t have anyone. If Jester had no one it would be even worse than not having hands. Her friends would help her if she didn’t have hands, and the Traveler would come up with mischief they could make.

Can Isharnai feed on her own loneliness?

Jester sneaks into her room, she doesn’t know if Caleb is still there, if he wants to talk more, but she is going to have to tell him what she’s done soon. Caleb had told her that she wasn’t a monster, once. He probably won’t think that anymore. But she can put that off until she packs the package she’ll ask him to send.

Jester has a lot of pretty boxes, all the colors of the rainbow, some that sparkle, some with intricate carvings. She picks one of the most solemn, the dark blue of her hair, with small silver accents. Her Mama had given it to her filled with adornments for her horns when they first started curving. She chooses it not just because Isharnai probably doesn’t want sparkles, but because it has dividers. She puts a dozen treats in the bottom; on top of some handkerchiefs she unearths from old trunks.

On the top she places the napkin and, with consideration, her dog-eared copy of Tusk Love and sits down to write a letter.

_Dear The Great and Terrible Swamp Witch Isharnai,_ she starts, wonders if it is rude to call a swamp witch a swamp witch, continues anyway.

_I know you are like super hungry because Nott was really sad and Nott’s family was really sad and now you can’t eat that. I don’t think you should make Nott really sad though, so I got you some special treats instead! I didn’t put ANY dust of deliciousness on them so they probably aren’t going to be as yummy as the cupcake because that dust is so good! But I thought maybe you wouldn’t want it again! If you do let me know and I will send some when I get the moss cupcakes I was talking about! They are really good without the dust though so I think it will be okay!_

_I know that you eat unhappiness, and these are not really unhappy, but I thought maybe it was like misery is your favorite food but other food is still good. Sometimes I eat a lot of pastries and my stomach hurts and then Caduceus (I don’t think you met him, but I think you would like him! He lived in a swamp too I think, I didn’t get to see it because I was kidnapped by slavers, which was NOT fun, but I think it was a really sad swamp with dead people tea? You would probably like it! I can ask him about it if you want?) says I need to eat a salad. Even though I don’t like vegetables, sometimes they taste good after I’ve eaten so much sugar. So I thought, maybe Isharnai would like some variety in her diet too!_

_And you said it had been a long time since you had company, so I thought it had probably been a really long time since you have read a good book! Tusk Love is my favorite – it is the first I read with the smutty details, and I think Oskar is so dreamy! I think you might like it – if you do we have a lot of books like it and I can send some more for us to talk about! Just let me know!_

_It’ll probably be a little bit before I can come to see you again! We have to do some peace talks which are like super important but I am pretty sure they will be super boring. There’s a man who might come who was like super mean to Caleb, and the Traveler and I will probably do something to him because he really deserves it! Can you eat his feelings? I promise we are going to make him SO miserable. And after that we are going to go to Traveler-con. Remember, I told you about it? It probably won’t be miserable, but the Traveler is so cool, you would like him too. But you can scry on me whenever you want! Sometimes I am in the bath, and that’s probably not fun to watch so you can send me a message and I’ll get out of the bath and you can scry again! You can also send me a message whenever you want! I’ll try to send you messages too, but sometimes doing magic makes me tired because I am not as good as you at it and I can’t send messages!_

_Thinking of you,_

_Jester_

She signs with a little doodle of Captain Tusktooth before adding a little more.

_P.S. If you are still hungry you should pay attention to me. I’m going to talk to everyone right after we send this to you!_

She folds the letter carefully and seals the box. She eats a sparkly cupcake to fortify herself before she goes to find Caleb again.

He is still in his room, still reading a book, but everyone else is with him now, with some appearance of casualness. Yasha and Beau are doing one handed pushups. Fjord is doing two handed pushups, and is struggling a little, but that might be because Nott is sitting on his back, mending crossbow bolts. Caduceus is sitting quietly, a mug of tea that looks like it is cooled completely sits beside him.

“Jester!” Nott cries, jumping off Fjord’s back with enough momentum to leave Fjord sprawled on the floor, swearing lowly. Everyone stops what they are doing to look at her.

“Heeeeey,” she drawls out, “I bought pastries for us! I mean, I don’t have them right now because they are upstairs, but we can have them later. I just need Caleb to send this thing really fast”

She shoves the box in Caleb’s hands, and he drops the book (it IS a Shorthalt book she hasn’t read!) and looks at her, solemn.

“Jes,” its Fjord who responds, talking in the gentle tone he uses when he thinks Jester is going to be upset. He doesn’t use it with anyone else, and Jester doesn’t know how she feels about the fact that he has a special tone for her. She likes it, she thinks. “What’s in the box? What did you give her?”

“These are just treats, like I got us! You don’t have to worry,” she thinks she can feel everyone looking at her, but she refuses to look up to check. She doesn’t want to see them all looking at her like she is someone who deserves to be worried about. She doesn’t want to see them stop looking like that. “You can just send it Caleb.”

“Hey,” Caleb reaches out and touches her jaw, only the slightest push up to let her know he wants her to look at him. Caleb touches her so rarely, touches anyone so rarely, that she is helpless to deny him his gentle request. His hands are steady, his eyes very gentle. “Are you sure?” And Jester is completely unable to make light of this moment, to make a joke out of it. She nods, in place of words she can not find.

That’s all it takes, Caleb’s hands glow for a second and, even as Beau and Nott begin protesting the box is gone.

Jester wants to hug Caleb, wants to thank him for trusting her, thank him for always caring about her. But Caleb doesn’t know that he shouldn’t trust her. He doesn’t know that she made him a promise and then broke it. It wouldn’t be right to accept the simple comfort of a hug when he doesn’t know.

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t feel comfortable,” Caduceus says, as ever the calm in the eye of the storm of Beau and Nott loudly demanding answers. She grabs onto that calmness, tries to let it fill her, but it keeps slipping from her. She tries, sometimes, but Jester does not have a lot of practice being calm. “But we would like to know what you have given up. So we can thank you or help you.”

It’s too much. Caduceus is feeding the pit that Jester is only now really letting herself feel. Now that everything else is done, Jester should feel terrible. And she does.

“No, you can’t!” It comes out a wail. She’d really been trying for calm, but there are tears coming. “You don’t understand! You can’t thank me, I’m a monster.” She feels hands on her shoulder, on the hands she’s rubbing against her eyes so hard she sees stars, on her head. She rips herself away. She owes them this, to not make them comfort her without knowing.

“Stop! Stop! Stop!” she shouts, as Beau and Fjord reach out, as Nott opens her mouth. “You don’t know! I promised I wouldn’t! I promised, and I did it anyway and I am not sorry and I would do it again, and that’s awful so I am awful!”

“Jester I offered to restart a war,” Nott offers, “surely nothing worse than that could fit in the box we just sent.”

“I told you, those were pastries! Pastries and a book and a letter! I did something really bad.” The words are coming so fast now, as though if Jester can just get them out, she will stop being swallowed by the secret she is holding. “Caleb told us! He told us how bad it was! How he can’t trust himself because he can’t remember things because they went in and they changed his memory! And I promised Caleb that I would never use that magic because it is bad. But one hand wasn’t going to be enough and I need to have at least one hand or I won’t be able to help you when you guys need help, and she was going to make Beau go away, or make Nott cause war and it wouldn’t have been okay. So, I made her think she liked me, and we had fun and she would break the curse! And it worked, and now Nott gets to be with her family and that’s good. But everyone thinks they have a good reason to do terrible things and it doesn’t mean they aren’t terrible, and I knew that, and I did it anyway.”

Jester finishes, completely out of breath, no longer trying to fight the tears. When Fjord pulls her to his chest this time, she doesn’t fight him. She’s told everyone what she did, it isn’t a lie to let him hug her anymore. Fjord wouldn’t ever turn her away, no matter what she’s done – the Traveler is her best friend, but Fjord might be her steadiest. When she is crying on his chest, she can’t see everyone, and that is a relief. She let’s herself be relieved, for a moment, before she straightens up.

She did it. She knowingly broke a promise and she took away the will of another living creature. She did it knowing what the consequences might be, and she can’t avoid them. Caleb, and the others, should have the chance to yell at her, or call her a monster, or leave her here. She won’t defend herself – she’ll deserve anything they choose to give her. Her lip is quivering, a little, but she makes herself meet Caleb’s eyes.

He looks shocked. Not angry, but maybe he hasn’t processed it yet.

Everyone else is quiet too – Fjord has a hand on her back, and she appreciates the reminder that he’ll stand with her – but it seems like everyone knows that Caleb should have the first crack at her. Anything he says she will deserve.

“Jester, you are,” his words, when they come, are slow, a full heartbeat between every word, “a marvel.” Jester deserves anything Caleb can give her, except perhaps this. Jester doesn’t deserve his grace. She’s shaking her head, slowly and then fast enough that the tears in the corner of her eyes start falling again. Caleb comes forward though, and he pulls her into a hug more roughly than she has ever seen him touch a member of the Mighty Nein.

“You saved Nott, when I couldn’t. All of us would have given so much to save Nott. Every one of us would have made ourselves or other people completely miserable – and it would probably have been worth it, to return Nott to her family. You saved all of us.” Caleb swallows, and he is blushing a little. It’s so hard for Caleb to talk about his feelings, she can’t interrupt him, but he’s wrong and her head is shaking again.

“Hey.” It’s a reprimand, sharp enough that Jester pulls back to look at him. “You took some of the vilest magic I have ever experienced and you used it to make a cruel creature happy. You offered her kindness and love and joy. None of us would have thought of that. No one but you would have ever thought of that.”

He meets her eyes, blushing all the way to the roots of his hair, and says again, “You are a marvel. There is no one else in the world I would trust with the power you have.” He leans forward and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

Jester’s eyes widen, and she turns to look at Nott, who still has tears on her cheek, but whose eyes are also wide with the realization of what Caleb has done.

The room is so quiet, everyone staring at Caleb and Jester, that Caleb eventually starts laughing awkwardly. “I think it is time to eat dinner? Jester, I think dessert first?” Jester has so much she wants to say. She wants to argue with him, she wants to make him cast her out and tell her she is a monster. She wants to tell him every dark thought she has ever had so he will understand.

But. Jester had promised herself she wouldn’t argue – that anything Caleb said she would deserve. If Caleb thinks she deserves forgiveness, maybe he is right.

“Yes! They are so good, Bluud used to get them for me and I didn’t know where to find them but I found them and I think you will like them so much!” She isn’t bouncing, but she’s summoning joy back to herself. Caleb had kissed her. Not to save her life, not because he had to, but because he wanted to! And that was spark enough to rekindle her mood.

_When you next visit_ , Isharnai’s voice is in her head again, _bring another book, and some of the corpse tea you mentioned_.

**Author's Note:**

> IDK guys. Come visit me on tumblr at girls-like-flowers!


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